Schlub Life

- eat cold black beans from a can 40% of the time
- listen to mediocre bands from your glory days: Air is a good place to start
- gain a little more weight each Christmas, lose a little less each spring
- engage in internet disputes with your ex-boyfriends over grammatical minutiae; win by stamina
- hang out with your Mom on weekends
- curate subtle grease stains on the thighs of all your pants
- wear white sweat socks on all occasions
- keep your apartment more or less picked up but DO NOT ever vacuum
- gather Kleenexes in your purse
- read the first few chapters of self help books
- skip the smartphone trend altogether
- do not wash your hands after peeing if no one is around and/or if no actual urine touched your skin
- throw dirty clothes and papers in bedroom closet when visitors visit
- Googling options:

  • “greasy hair baby powder”
  • “how to make waffles if you’re out of milk and eggs”
  • “who sings i knew you were trouble when you walked in”

- cut your hair shorter than is prudent considering your jawline so you can go at least nine months without making another appointment
- sleep on the couch some nights because why not
- turn down a friend by saying you have to stay home and write; use that time to follow internet beefs about Lena Dunham’s body

Congrats! Schlubhood is yours!

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3 thoughts on “Schlub Life

  1. Between this post and your “bangs” one, I think you and I are soul sistas. Seriously.

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