Schlub Life

– eat cold black beans from a can 40% of the time
– listen to mediocre bands from your glory days: Air is a good place to start
– gain a little more weight each Christmas, lose a little less each spring
– engage in internet disputes with your ex-boyfriends over grammatical minutiae; win by stamina
– hang out with your Mom on weekends
– curate subtle grease stains on the thighs of all your pants
– wear white sweat socks on all occasions
– keep your apartment more or less picked up but DO NOT ever vacuum
– gather Kleenexes in your purse
– read the first few chapters of self help books
– skip the smartphone trend altogether
– do not wash your hands after peeing if no one is around and/or if no actual urine touched your skin
– throw dirty clothes and papers in bedroom closet when visitors visit
– Googling options:

  • “greasy hair baby powder”
  • “how to make waffles if you’re out of milk and eggs”
  • “who sings i knew you were trouble when you walked in”

– cut your hair shorter than is prudent considering your jawline so you can go at least nine months without making another appointment
– sleep on the couch some nights because why not
– turn down a friend by saying you have to stay home and write; use that time to follow internet beefs about Lena Dunham’s body

Congrats! Schlubhood is yours!