Polar Vortex Reducing Diet(TM): The Quickest Way to Accidental Health…Guaranteed!


If you’ve looked at any weather radar maps lately, you will have noticed the vast blue blob that’s gobbled up all of the North and most of the Midwest. You’ll notice a spattering of seasonally appropriate numbers, but then you’ll squint at the screen and notice that there are minus signs before each of them. It’s not 22 degrees. Nope! It’s MINUS 22 DEGREES. The high today in my corner of Missouri was expressed by the laughable digit “3,” and it occurred at 12:05 a.m., which basically means it was part of yesterday.

But enough of my personal woes… let’s get to the feature I know my faithful multitudes (Tara, Jordan) are waiting for!


Lose Weight Effortlessly During the Polar Vortex Times! Now, that lean, starved look can be yours in three easy steps!

How to do it:

1. Watch blue blob of frigidity approach your state on the evening news; laugh at reports of empty grocery shelves and people fighting over bread in the Dillon’s parking lot and feel smug, like perhaps you are a more evolved version of the common species, the kind of advanced mammal that wasn’t into Beanie Babies in the 90s, wasn’t into Y2K in 1999, and certainly was not into the planking craze of June 24, 2012.

2. Be so busy making fun of these poor, simple alarmists that you forget to go grocery shopping yourself.

3. Eat nothing but canned beans, wilted lettuce, and Ezekiel bread the whole time you are snowed in, which is four days.


Bonus tips: Watch yourself do increasingly horrible things as supplies grow thin, like lick your finger and dip it in a bag of pure cane sugar. Realize you have sugar addiction. Do absolutely nothing to change. In fact, drink rum with Juicy Juice because rum and Juicy Juice both are forms of sugar and you NEED sugar and it’s been seven hours since you’ve had any.
Try to find Sherlock episodes for free online. Fail. Venture out to coffee shop for human interaction, wearing produce bags for snow boots.  Deride yourself for being 30 and not owning snowboots.
It’s so cold the snot freezes in your nostrils when you breath in; proceed to mouth breath. Trudge home. Try spitting on sidewalk to see if it’s true your spit will freeze before it hits ground; it’s not.
Refresh email forty times to see if work is cancelled tomorrow like it was today. It is not.